On Going Mental

I've been going mental. Not rubber room quality, yet. But, just a little crazy.

I can't say I don't like it. I actually do. I've been really busy with work and it doesn't show any signs of letting up. Not that I can afford to let it let up.

I don't really want this blog to be about my job(s). I want this to be about who I am and where I'm at in life. While I won't talk about the companies I work for, I will talk about how I am dealing with the results of my work. Such as...

I've recently discovered that I have a war waging inside me that crosses back and forth between being very driven and very lazy. It's driving me nuts, quite frankly. Thus the "going mental" remark.

I look at friends and business associates and see many who are very goal-oriented -- people who know what they want and are putting in the hard work to get it. It's really inspiring! It makes me want to work hard and accomplish the dreams that I want. Then, I go to bed very late at night and...

...then the alarm sounds. And then I don't want to get up. I want to stay home, be by myself and read a book. Honestly, I could probably be really, really happy for the rest of my life if I was quiet and alone with a good book in my hands. Re-reading what I've just typed gives me all sorts of alarm as it makes me sound like I'm some sort of depressed freak who is a complete hermit. Sure, I deal with depression all the time, but this is different.

I'm just not that goal-oriented. That's what I've discovered lately. And suddenly everything that I've gone through in the last few years makes all sorts of sense!! I make goals, but then I'm kinda ok with not meeting them strictly. They're more like suggestions than rules, as it were.

And this is bothering me. I want to be wildly successful and well-regarded in who I am and in what I do. But, I'm afraid that I'm going to do a very, very good job sabotaging that if I don't make my goals more rule-like.

...

More on this at another time.